Saturday, August 14, 2010

Death: A love story

At first I asked, how could you turn your back?
Two kids and a wife weren't enough to keep your ass on track?
I know we all have baggage, but there's a time to unpack!
Wouldn't even do it justice to call it taken aback.
You saw life as a race to the finish and at that you led the pack.
Whatever heart was left told you to get life insurance three months back;
It was like you knew you were going to have that heart attack.
Hell, you knew you weren't coming back!
Not giving a fuck you knew you could never take it back.
Declared war on my life. I was under attack.

You know life is funny;
You weren't there to wipe my nose that was runny;
So, I had to look ahead for a day that was sunny.
Observing from the outside I found art and forgot about money.

Your ignorance made me see that there's an end to every storm;
My experiences in life caused me to be different then the norm;
Tears, death and art molded my heart to a more powerful form.
Always told me to follow my dream, even if it was in a college dorm.
I have to give it to you the little you taught me made my heart a swarm!
When you're thrown into a fox hole you have to stand up and reform!

To tell you the truth I still miss my father. I consider what he did giving up on life and family. His troubled past caused him a rocky future. I understand that everyone has their demons, but you must be strong enough to fight the demons off. You should do it for yourself, but if not for that for the people you love. I must say despite all of his problems he was never a bad father. He was in fact very loving and warm. Despite that, sometimes it's beyond me why there's still love in my heart even though he took my himself from me. Beyond the realization that he was an addict, and therefore was very sick. It really made me realize that life could change at any moment. So I said fuck it, and I realized I would follow my heart at any cost. Manage to be an artist in this country that is less than fair to our kind. Taking observations of life in such a way that even the ugliest thing could be beautiful, because anything can inspire an artist. Hell, I the darkest parts of my life are what keep me motivated. It's that mind state that will lead you toward turning negativity into positivity.

Within every death lies a fight to the death within the heart of every loved one. When my father first died I decided I would be the strong one. I would win the fight. I believe I vaguely remember a conversation with my father. He told me that in reality you will bury your parents, he told me to be strong and be there for any remaining family. I am the only man in my family, so I felt like I had to be the rock. After defeating a terrible anxiety/depersonalization problem, most likely derived from all of the pent up emotion. I observed myself from the outside in. This experience will either drive you nuts or make you stronger. I chose the latter and defeated it. Turning my mind in the direction where I was able to turn any negative into a positive. Therefore, inadvertently my father ruining his life just very well have made mine. Funny. The whole time I leaned on faith in life rather then faith in the church. it never worked for me, but if it works for you more power to you. In my mind, God is life. If that makes any sense to anyone. In finding yourself as a strong minded artist you cannot fail. You are already a success.

CARRY ON!

R.I.P DAD

Have you had a similar experience?

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